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To My Unnamed Angel

My heart aches for my little girl and what could have been or what could still be.

My heart aches for that perfect, round face. Those large, round eyes and that perfect little swoop that rises from that mess of hair on her head.

You see, my little girl is perfect. I know all mothers say that, but I think my case is a little different because I’m not a mother. But my little girl, though. My little girl is perfect. My little baby is perfect. Maybe she’s only so perfect because she only came to me in a dream. I only know her from my dream. My very, very VIVID dreams of my baby, my labor & pregnancy.

My pregnancy. Oh, how I long for my pregnancy. The dreams don’t make it any better. They’re so real. I don’t feel any of the pain of labor in them, but all of the emotion that comes with that first look at what you made. What you did. Your baby. My little girl. My baby.

Did I mention she’s beautiful? So alert. So smart. I can tell from her eyes. As I stared at her sitting up in her crib staring back at me, I noticed every detail all the way down to the little white nightgown she was wearing. My little girl was perfect. Is perfect? Will be perfect? Hopefully I get to even have MY little girl. You see, I love her so much already that it hurts. The dreams are bliss while they’re going on, but when I wake up I’m left with all the love and all of the empty because I’m not holding my little girl. My little girl. My little baby. My perfect baby. I hope that she is meant to represent what’s to come and not what has come to pass. Because oh how my heart ACHES for my little girl. I miss her when I don’t think I ever even knew her. I miss her face, how her weight feels in my arms, her cuddles, her smell, her smile and her laugh. I hate that I’m not with my little girl. I miss my little girl. I want my little girl. I want to be the mommy that I am in my dreams because I get to be her mommy. That’s why I can’t bear the thought of her being a relic of a past that never got to exist. I instead keep hope that she is a representation of the future. My beautiful baby, my perfect little girl. She deserves to live. She deserves to breathe & know my love because I promise it’s as deep as any ocean, as vast as any universe and as real as anything you can touch, taste, see, hear or smell. My little girl. She belongs to me. Then, now and always. My beautiful little girl.