December 4th, 2017 – Allow Me to Explain

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I’m such a lying blogger. I don’t even know if I can really call myself a blogger. I haven’t remained consistent at all. I just read a bunch of my old posts where I claimed that I was going to post “soon” or even on a specific day. HA! The nerve of me. I don’t know if I have any loyal readers. I’m pretty sure I don’t since I post so rarely. If I do, then I’d just like to say that I really do apologize. I hate to let people down. I see it as a betrayal since you’ve put your trust/hope/whatever in me and I haven’t delivered. That is why I need to work harder at not letting myself down. I mean, if you’ll betray yourself then you’ll betray anyone.

But, please allow me to explain myself.

When I started this blog, I just knew that I had a lot that I wanted to put out there. I knew that there were things that I wanted to do and say. I knew that I wanted to lose weight and document that so that others could follow along with me in my journey and maybe get some motivation for themselves (if needed). I wanted to write about my thoughts, feelings, etc. I got so caught up in trying to produce a lot of quality content that I never really did. Until today, I had nine drafts all for completely different posts. They all started off promising (in my opinion at least) and then they just became a bunch of random ramblings. Actually, they weren’t random. But they were ramblings. They could have eventually gotten back to the main point and I’m sure would have, but they weren’t concise enough for me. The amount of detours my brain was taking takes (because let’s be honest, this hasn’t ceased) is RIDIC. My friend Cierra actually makes fun of me for it. I will have told you five different stories by the time I finish telling you the one that I intentionally started to tell you.

So, I was letting myself down. This really bothered me because ever since elementary school I have loved to read, but I have really loved to write. I was also told that I was a strong writer by all of my teachers. It could be a short story, a paper, etc. So naturally when I started to blog, I felt that things would just flow and I would be able to go back and make a few edits here and there.

That was ignorant. LOL.

This isn’t my first blog, but this is the one that I have been most active on. I’ve been able to crank out a few posts, but nothing like what I expected. Like I said, I have some promising drafts. But so many thoughts, ideas and feelings would come up every single time I was trying to write about ONE thing. It’s actually happening right now. I’m fighting myself to stay on topic. I keep scrolling back up to read the beginning of this, clenching my core and looking away to take a quick five second breather so that I can stay on task.

In other words — I’m a f*cking mess.

This revelation about myself poses a bigger problem than it may seem actually. That is why I am writing about it now. You see, I have recently embarked on a spiritual journey. Because of this, I’ve gotten way more in touch with myself than I’ve ever been (S/O to yoga, meditation and self reflection — I can’t wait to throw some crystals into the mix). Due to that, I’ve actually realized that what I really want to do is be a writer. I know that sounds like a joke because I can’t even keep up with blogging. I know, I know — I KNOW. It sounds crazy, I get it. However, it also helped me uncover why it is that I’m having such a problem with blogging: I have shied away from it due to my rambling and being scared that I will never be able to produce a well organized, fresh, entertaining piece of literature. Self doubt 101. Self doubt is why I’m not blogging because when I blog I can’t stay on track to save my life.

Ha. Well what do you know?

Fast forward to here and now: I have managed to stay on task with this post. That’s an achievement for me you guys. It’s a little step, but a step nonetheless. I’m hoping that by forcing myself to regularly blog, I can regulate organization within my mind. I know that writing can be messy, and before all is said and done, I’m going to go in a million and one different directions. But, I have an issue with making things connect so that is what I am trying to train myself to do.

So, I am going to be blogging more. For sure. I PROMISE. I’m not saying it’s going to be on a weekly basis. I’m not even going to say that I will have a set number out each month, but I am here. I am in this. I am PRESENT. That is something that I was having a really hard time with before, being present. That contributed to my ramblings and subsequently letting myself down. Through this, I am training myself with a goal to have my first book published by the time I hit 25.

Before I go, I would really like to emphasize the fact that I DO NOT find anything wrong with rambling. I feel that I haven’t put any real emphasis on that in this post and it actually may have come off like I think it’s bad. I don’t. I love it. It’s just like brain storming. What I was having an issue with was bringing everything together or — the opposite — separating it, and that was super frustrating. I either had the right idea, but couldn’t connect the points on paper the same way I could in my head without some long, drawn out post. OR, I had a million different ideas that connected in my head, but could have easily been separated into multiple posts that would have been much more organized. Yet, I was trying to make them all work like a psycho. #DoBetter

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Heartburn, Change and Those Little Life Lessons

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Today I’m here just to vent because out of the past few horrible weeks that I’ve been having, today has just put the icing on the cake. I’m hoping that this venting session will help me find some type of reasoning and eventually a point so that it can turn into something a little more worthwhile for you guys to read. When I say my weeks have been horrible, I mean TERRIBLE. Just straight shitty. Everything from money issues to family semi-issues have had me down, and I’ve just been feeling so stuck. To give some insight, I have 8 blog post drafts that are all at least three paragraphs in. Think about that. It’s as if my brain is working against me because none of my thoughts have been able to run together. I have ideas and then they come out and don’t look as good as they sounded when I was thinking them up. It seems like no matter what I do to try to pull myself out of the hole that I’ve fallen in, I just keep falling. Somewhere in there, though falling turned into sinking and sinking turned into drowning — so I guess there’s some water at the bottom of this hole. Ugh. #F*ckMyLife

Not only have I been feeling stuck, but I’ve been sick as a dog too. I have IBS so my digestive tract hates me. I don’t know if that’s what has been making me feel so bad, but it’s definitely a contender due to past issues it has given me. Now, though — if IBS is indeed the culprit — it’s doing this fun thing where it makes me throw up for five minutes straight at random times throughout the day AND couples itself with heartburn so that while I’m throwing up, my throat is also burning AND I’m gasping for air because it seems as if it wants to come out of my nose too and just isn’t quite making it there.

SO. FUN.

And before ANYONE starts getting any ideas in their head, NO…I’m not pregnant.

Honestly, I think that I just need a break. I’ve been on vacation twice in the past 3/4 months, but I was stressing about them both due to money. Don’t get me wrong, I was super excited to be away from Wisconsin, but I don’t feel like I got to enjoy them the way I would have if I had more expendable income. Due to them being stressful vacations, I didn’t get the mental health break that would usually come with a vacation, and that is what I really think I need at this point. A lot of the time when I get really sick it is rooted in stress. I stress myself out so much because I worry so much. I wish I didn’t, but I do. I’m working on it, though because that is definitely something that I dislike about myself. I mean, I like that I’m cautious. It has kept me out of some SHIT let me tell y’all. But in the same breath, being cautious does not mean I need to be on edge 75% of the time. Ask my friends; if they text me something that even slightly hints at an emergency, I’m calling them back to back to back IMMEDIATELY. I think I need to really just calm down. Being the way that I am has caused a lot of unnecessary and EXTRA stress for me and those around me and/or that care for me. So, mellowing out is something that I definitely want to work on.

With that being said, I really want to start meditating. I think it will be good for me because I never really take time out for myself to just breathe and do some self reflection. I believe it will help me become more focused and less anxious because anxiety is something that I deal with. I once dealt with it on a much larger scale believe it or not, but I definitely still feel like it needs to be more under control than it is now. So, I think I’m going to start keeping a record of when I meditate and how I go about my daily dealings after taking part in meditation. I think it will be really interesting to see how that changes things for me. Plus, I can share it with you beautiful people so that you can maybe start incorporating it into your life if you don’t already.

In addition, when I started this blog I was really focused on weight loss and fitness in general. It’s easy to say that I have pretty much lost ALL of that focus. I have never lost the desire to be smaller and healthier, but I’ve definitely lost the drive so that is something that I’m working on getting back. What’s a goal without drive, you know? I’m not saying that I am going to have an all out fitspo section of my blog like I originally had some plans to do, but I may have a nice portion of my blog going to that once I figure out how I want to structure it. I say that because I really want for anyone reading to kind of be taking this journey WITH me. I know that being driven to reach a goal is a big part of reaching it, but to me, it helps when you have someone to relate to that’s kind of going through the process with you. My health is important to me now more than ever just because I know my body has changed so much since I stopped dancing or just being active in general and since I started being able to buy fast food frequently. Therefore, I’ve been on a pretty steady decline healthwise starting with senior year of high school up until now. I also just want to feel good about myself and I haven’t in awhile. That’s been due to a variety of things such as bad decisions, bad relationships and self doubt. Those are all things that I’m promising myself to get rid of from this day forward as well, so I’m excited to see how my life changes simply by changing my perception and a few of my habits.

So, I guess the takeaways from this post are 1. Don’t be like me. Keep yourself healthy both physically and mentally. Please don’t ever sacrifice your mental health for ANYTHING.  I’ve done that far too often and will probably end up making a post about the toll it has taken on me. Take care of your spirit and your emotions as well. Your spirit is sacred and as for your emotions, they are ALWAYS valid. 2. Give yourself a break. You are far stronger and smarter than you may imagine. Don’t fill your head with self doubt and don’t let anyone else do it either. 3. Don’t let yourself fall so far into the hole that you hit the water or worse, the bottom. If you do, don’t forget that there are plenty of people that want to see you win that are more than willing to throw you a rope or even jump in themselves if it means saving you. 4. Don’t eat spicy food because heartburn is a bitch. Heartburn while throwing up is an even bigger one.

xoxo, jas.

23rd Year

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I’m baaaaack…

…from Miami that is. I am also back from my hiatus as now I have made a resolution to seriously commit to blogging. I made it before I left for my trip but I decided not to write it here because I have said that I was going to actually be here so much and I haven’t come through and I’m sick of my empty promises. I’m human and I get busy so I always have the best intentions but I am not always able to completely follow through. So for my 23rd year, I have decided to make a few resolutions:

  • Commit to blogging
    • I have so much to say and I hate that I don’t utilize this platform as much as I  should.
  • Complete the happiness project
    • Both the blog post and in my real life
  • Become financially stable
    • I don’t want to have to check my bank account every single time I get ready to make a purchase for ME. I have all of my necessities handled but splurging on myself is not something that I am able to do often.
  • Make a decision about grad school
    • This one is actually going to be completed within the next couple of days…stay tuned 😉
  • Lose weight!
    • I’ve been talking about this for how long? *sigh* I irritate myself with my lack of dedication BUT there’s no time like the present and I have decided to take a very new approach to it. I especially want to drop these pounds because there are going to be some new things on the horizon for me.

With these new resolutions, life is about to get real interesting and I couldn’t be more excited.

 

An Ode to Jasmine in All of Her Glory

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I legitimately TORTURE myself with my thoughts. I go over, and over and OVER things a million times trying to understand them or take something from them that isn’t there to take. I’m doing that right now with some texts that I should delete. They’re texts that should not have happened. This person should not have texted me but more than that I should not have replied.

You want to know the funny thing about some people? When they have the chance to listen to you and do right by you they seem to fail no matter how many chances that they’re given. It is when you’ve finally had enough that they come around and try to appease you. But the gag is (in my Keke Palmer voice) – one day it is simply too late. Nothing can appease you. You have to appease yourself and let go of that situation and/or that person and let the universe deal with them but even better let IT have YOU. The other day was my day — the day I got these texts.

I know I should delete them because they are poisonous to the soul. Searching for something that you aren’t going to find is poisonous. It is torturous. It will drive you mad. Going over something a million times KNOWING that it is what it is but expecting something different in other words is the definition of insanity. It’s crazy, but when it comes to a situation like this you almost find comfort in the crazy. It is masochism in its simplest form.

However, this is the other gag: I’ve found something else in these messages that I didn’t expect to find anywhere anytime soon: strength. I’ve found the base that was missing from a voice that I just recently started using. I found the Aries in me that I’ve always felt I lacked even being born on April 3rd. I found it in me to not only let go of something but to let go of someone that has been around since I was 12 years old because it struck me that I could no longer let them suck so much of my joy away. I’ve given too much and have received nothing but empty promises, unanswered texts and a couple of broken hearts.

In this, I have found the road to ME in all of my glory. How poetic that the person that I felt I honestly couldn’t  live without whether as a friend or as something more showed me that I wasn’t living at all? How poetic, indeed.

So this, this is an ode to the girl that loves her friends and her family so much that she tears up thinking about it. This is an ode to the girl that has made a thousand mistakes but knows she is going to make a thousand more before its all said and done. This is an ode to the girl that has put herself down so many times before but has started to pick herself up because she realizes that no one else is going to. This is an ode to the girl that now knows that SHE herself has to be her biggest fan. This is an ode to the girl who thought she was NEVER going to make it through her senior year of college but did and is now applying to grad schools. This is an ode to the girl that has replaced her fears and doubts with confidence and willpower. This is an ode to the black girl magic that I so proudly practice. This is an ode to the girl that loves HARD but is learning to love herself even harder.

This is an ode to me.

As promised…

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…I’m back 🙂

Of course it’s 10:41 p.m. here so I literally had an hour and 19 minutes left to make good on my promise but better late than never.

SO

Here it goes: We’re back to fitspo for the day because I did a vegan grocery haul! YAY. I already put away all of the food and what not so I’m going to take a photo in the morning when I meal prep before work. I’m super excited because tomorrow I am starting the 21 Day Fix – finally. I’ve been wanting to try this for probably a good nine months to about a year now. If you don’t know what the 21 day fix is, here is a link to a webpage that explains what it is. I will go more in-depth tomorrow when I post about my first day on the plan and what I chose to eat. If you couldn’t already tell, I am choosing to complete this plan COMPLETELY vegan. Therefore you won’t see any meat, dairy or any other animal products in anything that I post during the next three weeks – not even honey.

I honestly wish that I would have gone ahead and started this a while back, but I’m choosing to do so now as I leave for Miami six weeks from tomorrow. (Yikes! It’s so close!) Due to the life changes that I’ve recently gone through as well as sheer laziness, I have gained back most of the weight that I lost earlier in the year which does suck BUT there is no time like the present to get back on track. I know I won’t lose a ton before my trip, but I just want to kick-start it because of course once I return from Miami I will still be continuing with my weight loss journey and just a healthy lifestyle journey in general.

All in all, I feel like things are finally coming together in my life and there will now be some consistency in all areas whether it’s my health, my finances or something else, and I am so beyond happy and grateful for that. 2017 really is my year. I can feel it. I’m following the steps of my 2017 Happiness Project and I can’t wait to get that posted for you guys. I know I’ve mentioned it at least once or twice, but THIS WEEK I will have it posted. Be on the lookout because it’ll be up no later than Saturday at 11:59 p.m. Haha.

Also today I took a long, hard look and my finances and man…*shakes head*

Being an adult SUCKS when it comes to money, but budgeting does help. I will be posting about my simple budgeting techniques soon as well because I declare that 2017 is the year that I get my financial house in order (you know, being that it’s my year and all). I have credit card debt, students loans to pay back, rent, phone bill, energy bill, YOU NAAAAAME IT (5 points if you get the reference lmfao)!

Soooooooo that is just a quick update of what I have coming up for you all for sure this time. The 2017 Happiness Project post will be up no later than Saturday night as to make it onto The Gems of Jas by the end of this week. I’m pretty sure my finance post will tie in with that one somehow some way as being financially stable is definitely a BIG part of some people’s happiness. At least I know it is for mine in particular. You will be getting information about what I’m eating and the workouts that I’m doing as was promised way back in one of my earlier posts. I am finally BACK and better than ever 🙂 With that being said, I am also beyond tired as I’ve been up since 8 a.m. It’s 11:12 p.m. now and I have to be up early to get a workout in before my dentist appointment which is right before work.

Goodnight my lovelies.

xoxo – jas.

Song of the Day: Bad and Boujee – Migos ft. Lil Uzi Vert

Quote of the Day: “Successful people are not gifted; they just work hard, then succeed on purpose.”          – G.K. Nielson

Feb. 28, 2017

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Good morning! (9:10 am here)

I am beyond irritated with myself because I have so much that I want to write but I’m always SO tired with my new work schedule. In addition, this past week one of our friends had a birthday and when it comes to me, my friends and our birthdays — it’s usually an all-out event across multiple days. YOLO, right? 🙂

With that being said, I feel like I’m starting to get used to my schedule now and the next birthday celebration doesn’t start until St. Patrick’s Day SO I will be back in action OFFICIALLY starting tomorrow. I’m so, so excited! Every time I get an idea I jot it down so that I can remember to post about it so I will have a ton of things to write and they will all be coming to you soon.

It’s just really annoying because I feel like every single time I make a post it’s about everything I WANT to write and nothing of actual substance. So I promise I will NOT be posting on here until I have actual content to bring to you all. That will be TOMORROW 2/29.

Finally I wanted to wish one of my best friends a HAPPY BIRTHDAY. Her name is Kourtney. She’s great. The only reason there is no big blowout for her birthday is because she’s in the military stationed in North Dakota. I know she’s going to turn up with her military friends, though – and we will probably take a shot or two in her honor. Haha.

That’s all I wanted to say. I hope anyone that reads this has an amazing day today. Go out, enjoy the weather if it’s nice where you are. Do something nice for someone today. Meditate, treat yourself, etc. Just go be great. I’ll be doing the same at work and then grocery shopping after. I’ll talk to you all tomorrow.

xoxo – jas.

Song of the Day: Ain’t It Fun – Paramore

Quote of the Day – “Be somebody nobody thought you could be.” – William Chapman

Worst Blogger Ever

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The title of this refers to me. Haha. I promise I’m trying to get better about it, though. I haven’t updated ANYTHING. I didn’t realize that starting a new job would throw me off the way that it has. I’ve had to get use to a set schedule and routine for work again while trying to create a new schedule and routine for getting healthy and losing weight. I’d like to think of myself as someone that is pretty good at multitasking but that is proving not to be the case.

*sigh* I’ll get it together soon, though. You have my word.

With that being said, I did manage to work out and eat better overall this week even incorporating a vegan recipe (YAY ME!) into my lunch one of the days. I can promise to be back in action with recipes and what not this coming Friday (2/24) at the latest. I also want to start giving this blog more structure so that should be coming soon as well. I feel like I’m all over the place but I do know what my hopes for the end game are regarding the way posts and categories are set up.

I had to make this a quick post as I am in the middle of cleaning up and doing your normal Saturday errands but I will be back soon, and when I come back it’ll be with my happiness project post. Maybe not, though. I want everyone to be able to participate but I know I don’t have a lot of followers at the moments so I’ll need to figure out a structural thing for that as well. I realize now that I am rambling so I’m gonna end this before everyone knows my every, irrelevant thought.

xoxo – jas.

Song of the Day: White Friday – Yo Gotti

Quote of the Day: “Two things prevent us from happiness: living in the past and observing others.” – Paulo Coelho