Today I’m here just to vent because out of the past few horrible weeks that I’ve been having, today has just put the icing on the cake. I’m hoping that this venting session will help me find some type of reasoning and eventually a point so that it can turn into something a little more worthwhile for you guys to read. When I say my weeks have been horrible, I mean TERRIBLE. Just straight shitty. Everything from money issues to family semi-issues have had me down, and I’ve just been feeling so stuck. To give some insight, I have 8 blog post drafts that are all at least three paragraphs in. Think about that. It’s as if my brain is working against me because none of my thoughts have been able to run together. I have ideas and then they come out and don’t look as good as they sounded when I was thinking them up. It seems like no matter what I do to try to pull myself out of the hole that I’ve fallen in, I just keep falling. Somewhere in there, though falling turned into sinking and sinking turned into drowning — so I guess there’s some water at the bottom of this hole. Ugh. #F*ckMyLife
Not only have I been feeling stuck, but I’ve been sick as a dog too. I have IBS so my digestive tract hates me. I don’t know if that’s what has been making me feel so bad, but it’s definitely a contender due to past issues it has given me. Now, though — if IBS is indeed the culprit — it’s doing this fun thing where it makes me throw up for five minutes straight at random times throughout the day AND couples itself with heartburn so that while I’m throwing up, my throat is also burning AND I’m gasping for air because it seems as if it wants to come out of my nose too and just isn’t quite making it there.
And before ANYONE starts getting any ideas in their head, NO…I’m not pregnant.
Honestly, I think that I just need a break. I’ve been on vacation twice in the past 3/4 months, but I was stressing about them both due to money. Don’t get me wrong, I was super excited to be away from Wisconsin, but I don’t feel like I got to enjoy them the way I would have if I had more expendable income. Due to them being stressful vacations, I didn’t get the mental health break that would usually come with a vacation, and that is what I really think I need at this point. A lot of the time when I get really sick it is rooted in stress. I stress myself out so much because I worry so much. I wish I didn’t, but I do. I’m working on it, though because that is definitely something that I dislike about myself. I mean, I like that I’m cautious. It has kept me out of some SHIT let me tell y’all. But in the same breath, being cautious does not mean I need to be on edge 75% of the time. Ask my friends; if they text me something that even slightly hints at an emergency, I’m calling them back to back to back IMMEDIATELY. I think I need to really just calm down. Being the way that I am has caused a lot of unnecessary and EXTRA stress for me and those around me and/or that care for me. So, mellowing out is something that I definitely want to work on.
With that being said, I really want to start meditating. I think it will be good for me because I never really take time out for myself to just breathe and do some self reflection. I believe it will help me become more focused and less anxious because anxiety is something that I deal with. I once dealt with it on a much larger scale believe it or not, but I definitely still feel like it needs to be more under control than it is now. So, I think I’m going to start keeping a record of when I meditate and how I go about my daily dealings after taking part in meditation. I think it will be really interesting to see how that changes things for me. Plus, I can share it with you beautiful people so that you can maybe start incorporating it into your life if you don’t already.
In addition, when I started this blog I was really focused on weight loss and fitness in general. It’s easy to say that I have pretty much lost ALL of that focus. I have never lost the desire to be smaller and healthier, but I’ve definitely lost the drive so that is something that I’m working on getting back. What’s a goal without drive, you know? I’m not saying that I am going to have an all out fitspo section of my blog like I originally had some plans to do, but I may have a nice portion of my blog going to that once I figure out how I want to structure it. I say that because I really want for anyone reading to kind of be taking this journey WITH me. I know that being driven to reach a goal is a big part of reaching it, but to me, it helps when you have someone to relate to that’s kind of going through the process with you. My health is important to me now more than ever just because I know my body has changed so much since I stopped dancing or just being active in general and since I started being able to buy fast food frequently. Therefore, I’ve been on a pretty steady decline healthwise starting with senior year of high school up until now. I also just want to feel good about myself and I haven’t in awhile. That’s been due to a variety of things such as bad decisions, bad relationships and self doubt. Those are all things that I’m promising myself to get rid of from this day forward as well, so I’m excited to see how my life changes simply by changing my perception and a few of my habits.
So, I guess the takeaways from this post are 1. Don’t be like me. Keep yourself healthy both physically and mentally. Please don’t ever sacrifice your mental health for ANYTHING. I’ve done that far too often and will probably end up making a post about the toll it has taken on me. Take care of your spirit and your emotions as well. Your spirit is sacred and as for your emotions, they are ALWAYS valid. 2. Give yourself a break. You are far stronger and smarter than you may imagine. Don’t fill your head with self doubt and don’t let anyone else do it either. 3. Don’t let yourself fall so far into the hole that you hit the water or worse, the bottom. If you do, don’t forget that there are plenty of people that want to see you win that are more than willing to throw you a rope or even jump in themselves if it means saving you. 4. Don’t eat spicy food because heartburn is a bitch. Heartburn while throwing up is an even bigger one.