I’m such a lying blogger. I don’t even know if I can really call myself a blogger. I haven’t remained consistent at all. I just read a bunch of my old posts where I claimed that I was going to post “soon” or even on a specific day. HA! The nerve of me. I don’t know if I have any loyal readers. I’m pretty sure I don’t since I post so rarely. If I do, then I’d just like to say that I really do apologize. I hate to let people down. I see it as a betrayal since you’ve put your trust/hope/whatever in me and I haven’t delivered. That is why I need to work harder at not letting myself down. I mean, if you’ll betray yourself then you’ll betray anyone.
But, please allow me to explain myself.
When I started this blog, I just knew that I had a lot that I wanted to put out there. I knew that there were things that I wanted to do and say. I knew that I wanted to lose weight and document that so that others could follow along with me in my journey and maybe get some motivation for themselves (if needed). I wanted to write about my thoughts, feelings, etc. I got so caught up in trying to produce a lot of quality content that I never really did. Until today, I had nine drafts all for completely different posts. They all started off promising (in my opinion at least) and then they just became a bunch of random ramblings. Actually, they weren’t random. But they were ramblings. They could have eventually gotten back to the main point and I’m sure would have, but they weren’t concise enough for me. The amount of detours my brain
was taking takes (because let’s be honest, this hasn’t ceased) is RIDIC. My friend Cierra actually makes fun of me for it. I will have told you five different stories by the time I finish telling you the one that I intentionally started to tell you.
So, I was letting myself down. This really bothered me because ever since elementary school I have loved to read, but I have really loved to write. I was also told that I was a strong writer by all of my teachers. It could be a short story, a paper, etc. So naturally when I started to blog, I felt that things would just flow and I would be able to go back and make a few edits here and there.
That was ignorant. LOL.
This isn’t my first blog, but this is the one that I have been most active on. I’ve been able to crank out a few posts, but nothing like what I expected. Like I said, I have some promising drafts. But so many thoughts, ideas and feelings would come up every single time I was trying to write about ONE thing. It’s actually happening right now. I’m fighting myself to stay on topic. I keep scrolling back up to read the beginning of this, clenching my core and looking away to take a quick five second breather so that I can stay on task.
In other words — I’m a f*cking mess.
This revelation about myself poses a bigger problem than it may seem actually. That is why I am writing about it now. You see, I have recently embarked on a spiritual journey. Because of this, I’ve gotten way more in touch with myself than I’ve ever been (S/O to yoga, meditation and self reflection — I can’t wait to throw some crystals into the mix). Due to that, I’ve actually realized that what I really want to do is be a writer. I know that sounds like a joke because I can’t even keep up with blogging. I know, I know — I KNOW. It sounds crazy, I get it. However, it also helped me uncover why it is that I’m having such a problem with blogging: I have shied away from it due to my rambling and being scared that I will never be able to produce a well organized, fresh, entertaining piece of literature. Self doubt 101. Self doubt is why I’m not blogging because when I blog I can’t stay on track to save my life.
Ha. Well what do you know?
Fast forward to here and now: I have managed to stay on task with this post. That’s an achievement for me you guys. It’s a little step, but a step nonetheless. I’m hoping that by forcing myself to regularly blog, I can regulate organization within my mind. I know that writing can be messy, and before all is said and done, I’m going to go in a million and one different directions. But, I have an issue with making things connect so that is what I am trying to train myself to do.
So, I am going to be blogging more. For sure. I PROMISE. I’m not saying it’s going to be on a weekly basis. I’m not even going to say that I will have a set number out each month, but I am here. I am in this. I am PRESENT. That is something that I was having a really hard time with before, being present. That contributed to my ramblings and subsequently letting myself down. Through this, I am training myself with a goal to have my first book published by the time I hit 25.
Before I go, I would really like to emphasize the fact that I DO NOT find anything wrong with rambling. I feel that I haven’t put any real emphasis on that in this post and it actually may have come off like I think it’s bad. I don’t. I love it. It’s just like brain storming. What I was having an issue with was bringing everything together or — the opposite — separating it, and that was super frustrating. I either had the right idea, but couldn’t connect the points on paper the same way I could in my head without some long, drawn out post. OR, I had a million different ideas that connected in my head, but could have easily been separated into multiple posts that would have been much more organized. Yet, I was trying to make them all work like a psycho. #DoBetter