Five Steps Back To You

Breakups suck. They can take a lot out of a person. Another thing that sucks is the fact that we don’t allow ourselves the time to deal with them properly. Society today teaches us that when we go through pain we should put on a brave face and stuff those feelings into the very back of our minds. I’m an emotional person so that is difficult for me as it is, but I have followed suit over and over again. Granted, I was still showing emotion but I was holding back which caused me to have true breakdowns in private.

This time, though? No. To be fair, I am kind of numb to pain from this particular individual because he has let me down more times than I care to mention. Being that he’s someone I’ve held so dear for so long, I wanted to give him one last shot. Long story short, that blew up in my face.

Now, I could talk about everything that happened and what not, but we all know that that is an exercise in futility and it truly is no longer my problem. My only problem — or rather, concern — is dealing with my emotions towards the situation.

It’s okay to cry, as long as you know what it is that you’re crying about. I know that seems obvious, but on more than one occasion I’ve had to sit back and think to myself, “what is this really about? What are these tears really going towards?” You need to create a bit of an emotional map and outlet to navigate a breakup with a sense of control.

So, if anyone else is going through something similar, I urge you to complete the steps that I’m going to list below:

1. Make a list of things you love about yourself. We’re too hard on ourselves too often and rarely ever take a moment to appreciate how amazing we are. Do you like yourself? Do you even really know yourself? If the answer to those questions is “no” or “idk” then take some time to get in touch with YOU. If you don’t fuck with yourself heavy then once the right person comes along they may not be able to either.

2. Evaluate what this person really brought to your life. Obviously answers will vary here. In my case, it was a bunch of broken promises, instability & bullshit. When I reflect on it, I was the one really holding everything together only to end up being betrayed in the end anyway. I was beyond supportive in more ways than one. That support and love was met with lies and a giant lack of effort. Those are two things that I can do without and am happy to now be completely free of. The point here is even though you may be hurting, most of the time you’re better off. I was used & embarrassed at the end of the day. I couldn’t believe this person that had been in my life for so long could hurt me this way, but they did, and I have to remind myself that wasn’t my fault. That brings me to the next step. Which is…

3. Remind yourself that it isn’t your fault. This one is for the people that really didn’t have any REAL fault when it comes to the breakup. Sometimes people just don’t agree or work together, and that’s not necessarily anyone’s fault. Sometimes, one person is just a shitty individual and has a lot of issues that need to be addressed and instead of doing that they do things that hurt you. Please remember, that is NOT your fault. Humans are flawed. However, some people work on those flaws while others let them ruin a lot of the good things that they have in their lives. If you know that you did everything you possibly could to make things work then please, PLEASE find peace in that. If you know you poured your heart and soul into the relationship and they still couldn’t appreciate you, then find peace in that. Some people just don’t fit and it could be for any amount of reasons. Don’t beat yourself up over something that is two sided.

4. Be an emotional wreck if you need to be, but not forever. Seriously, stop feeding into the belief that you need to be “heartless” and show no sign of humanity when you’re hurt. BE HURT! Be raw and real. But be rational and fair to yourself as well. This rounds out what I mentioned before. When I didn’t make the dance team my eighth grade year, I was down about it for about two weeks. It was all I wanted so I cried a few times. One day, my mom came to me and said that it was okay if I cried about it, but that I needed to give myself a time limit on how long I could cry about it. After that, I needed to move past it and either forget about it or work harder for the next year. So, I gave myself another day, and then got to work making sure I’d be prepared for tryouts the following year. I was and I made it. With breakups, I now employ the same philosophy. I give myself a specific amount of time to be sad about it. After that, I move on. Replaying events in my head is torturous and we do that to ourselves so often. It is unfair. So give yourself some time to get over it. After that, never shed a tear about it again. Being able to show emotion is important, so throw the biggest tantrum you feel you need to in order to get that hurt out of your system, but don’t get so caught up in being sad that it becomes the only thing you know how to be. You will fall in love again whether that be with a person or just life. Lastly…

5. Distract yourself — preferably in a way the betters you in the end. Is there an old hobby that you loved but stopped doing for whatever reason? There is? Great, pick it back up. Do you like to read? Awesome. Commit to getting through at least one book every week. Does volunteering fill your heart with joy? AMAZING. Call your local shelter or any volunteer organization you know of. You HAVE to get busy living. It’s so easy to stay in bed with your curtains drawn for weeks on end, but easy ain’t always good. Excusing yourself from life for a long period of time is not going to help you. “When the going gets tough, the tough get going.” Be tough. Remind yourself of who you are and that life existed before that person and will exist after them.

I’ve been the person that beats herself up over a relationship not working out. I’ve made myself physically sick from not eating and just checking out of life as if that was going to heal me. This time, I plan to actually heal myself. You should too. You deserve happiness and love will come. When it does, it will be the RIGHT love. Of course everything isn’t black and white and these tips may not apply for everyone, but I happen to think it’s a petty good general guideline. I hope all those broken hearts get healed soon. ❤️

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