December 4th, 2017 – Allow Me to Explain

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I’m such a lying blogger. I don’t even know if I can really call myself a blogger. I haven’t remained consistent at all. I just read a bunch of my old posts where I claimed that I was going to post “soon” or even on a specific day. HA! The nerve of me. I don’t know if I have any loyal readers. I’m pretty sure I don’t since I post so rarely. If I do, then I’d just like to say that I really do apologize. I hate to let people down. I see it as a betrayal since you’ve put your trust/hope/whatever in me and I haven’t delivered. That is why I need to work harder at not letting myself down. I mean, if you’ll betray yourself then you’ll betray anyone.

But, please allow me to explain myself.

When I started this blog, I just knew that I had a lot that I wanted to put out there. I knew that there were things that I wanted to do and say. I knew that I wanted to lose weight and document that so that others could follow along with me in my journey and maybe get some motivation for themselves (if needed). I wanted to write about my thoughts, feelings, etc. I got so caught up in trying to produce a lot of quality content that I never really did. Until today, I had nine drafts all for completely different posts. They all started off promising (in my opinion at least) and then they just became a bunch of random ramblings. Actually, they weren’t random. But they were ramblings. They could have eventually gotten back to the main point and I’m sure would have, but they weren’t concise enough for me. The amount of detours my brain was taking takes (because let’s be honest, this hasn’t ceased) is RIDIC. My friend Cierra actually makes fun of me for it. I will have told you five different stories by the time I finish telling you the one that I intentionally started to tell you.

So, I was letting myself down. This really bothered me because ever since elementary school I have loved to read, but I have really loved to write. I was also told that I was a strong writer by all of my teachers. It could be a short story, a paper, etc. So naturally when I started to blog, I felt that things would just flow and I would be able to go back and make a few edits here and there.

That was ignorant. LOL.

This isn’t my first blog, but this is the one that I have been most active on. I’ve been able to crank out a few posts, but nothing like what I expected. Like I said, I have some promising drafts. But so many thoughts, ideas and feelings would come up every single time I was trying to write about ONE thing. It’s actually happening right now. I’m fighting myself to stay on topic. I keep scrolling back up to read the beginning of this, clenching my core and looking away to take a quick five second breather so that I can stay on task.

In other words — I’m a f*cking mess.

This revelation about myself poses a bigger problem than it may seem actually. That is why I am writing about it now. You see, I have recently embarked on a spiritual journey. Because of this, I’ve gotten way more in touch with myself than I’ve ever been (S/O to yoga, meditation and self reflection — I can’t wait to throw some crystals into the mix). Due to that, I’ve actually realized that what I really want to do is be a writer. I know that sounds like a joke because I can’t even keep up with blogging. I know, I know — I KNOW. It sounds crazy, I get it. However, it also helped me uncover why it is that I’m having such a problem with blogging: I have shied away from it due to my rambling and being scared that I will never be able to produce a well organized, fresh, entertaining piece of literature. Self doubt 101. Self doubt is why I’m not blogging because when I blog I can’t stay on track to save my life.

Ha. Well what do you know?

Fast forward to here and now: I have managed to stay on task with this post. That’s an achievement for me you guys. It’s a little step, but a step nonetheless. I’m hoping that by forcing myself to regularly blog, I can regulate organization within my mind. I know that writing can be messy, and before all is said and done, I’m going to go in a million and one different directions. But, I have an issue with making things connect so that is what I am trying to train myself to do.

So, I am going to be blogging more. For sure. I PROMISE. I’m not saying it’s going to be on a weekly basis. I’m not even going to say that I will have a set number out each month, but I am here. I am in this. I am PRESENT. That is something that I was having a really hard time with before, being present. That contributed to my ramblings and subsequently letting myself down. Through this, I am training myself with a goal to have my first book published by the time I hit 25.

Before I go, I would really like to emphasize the fact that I DO NOT find anything wrong with rambling. I feel that I haven’t put any real emphasis on that in this post and it actually may have come off like I think it’s bad. I don’t. I love it. It’s just like brain storming. What I was having an issue with was bringing everything together or — the opposite — separating it, and that was super frustrating. I either had the right idea, but couldn’t connect the points on paper the same way I could in my head without some long, drawn out post. OR, I had a million different ideas that connected in my head, but could have easily been separated into multiple posts that would have been much more organized. Yet, I was trying to make them all work like a psycho. #DoBetter

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An Ode to Jasmine in All of Her Glory

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I legitimately TORTURE myself with my thoughts. I go over, and over and OVER things a million times trying to understand them or take something from them that isn’t there to take. I’m doing that right now with some texts that I should delete. They’re texts that should not have happened. This person should not have texted me but more than that I should not have replied.

You want to know the funny thing about some people? When they have the chance to listen to you and do right by you they seem to fail no matter how many chances that they’re given. It is when you’ve finally had enough that they come around and try to appease you. But the gag is (in my Keke Palmer voice) – one day it is simply too late. Nothing can appease you. You have to appease yourself and let go of that situation and/or that person and let the universe deal with them but even better let IT have YOU. The other day was my day — the day I got these texts.

I know I should delete them because they are poisonous to the soul. Searching for something that you aren’t going to find is poisonous. It is torturous. It will drive you mad. Going over something a million times KNOWING that it is what it is but expecting something different in other words is the definition of insanity. It’s crazy, but when it comes to a situation like this you almost find comfort in the crazy. It is masochism in its simplest form.

However, this is the other gag: I’ve found something else in these messages that I didn’t expect to find anywhere anytime soon: strength. I’ve found the base that was missing from a voice that I just recently started using. I found the Aries in me that I’ve always felt I lacked even being born on April 3rd. I found it in me to not only let go of something but to let go of someone that has been around since I was 12 years old because it struck me that I could no longer let them suck so much of my joy away. I’ve given too much and have received nothing but empty promises, unanswered texts and a couple of broken hearts.

In this, I have found the road to ME in all of my glory. How poetic that the person that I felt I honestly couldn’t  live without whether as a friend or as something more showed me that I wasn’t living at all? How poetic, indeed.

So this, this is an ode to the girl that loves her friends and her family so much that she tears up thinking about it. This is an ode to the girl that has made a thousand mistakes but knows she is going to make a thousand more before its all said and done. This is an ode to the girl that has put herself down so many times before but has started to pick herself up because she realizes that no one else is going to. This is an ode to the girl that now knows that SHE herself has to be her biggest fan. This is an ode to the girl who thought she was NEVER going to make it through her senior year of college but did and is now applying to grad schools. This is an ode to the girl that has replaced her fears and doubts with confidence and willpower. This is an ode to the black girl magic that I so proudly practice. This is an ode to the girl that loves HARD but is learning to love herself even harder.

This is an ode to me.