I legitimately TORTURE myself with my thoughts. I go over, and over and OVER things a million times trying to understand them or take something from them that isn’t there to take. I’m doing that right now with some texts that I should delete. They’re texts that should not have happened. This person should not have texted me but more than that I should not have replied.
You want to know the funny thing about some people? When they have the chance to listen to you and do right by you they seem to fail no matter how many chances that they’re given. It is when you’ve finally had enough that they come around and try to appease you. But the gag is (in my Keke Palmer voice) – one day it is simply too late. Nothing can appease you. You have to appease yourself and let go of that situation and/or that person and let the universe deal with them but even better let IT have YOU. The other day was my day — the day I got these texts.
I know I should delete them because they are poisonous to the soul. Searching for something that you aren’t going to find is poisonous. It is torturous. It will drive you mad. Going over something a million times KNOWING that it is what it is but expecting something different in other words is the definition of insanity. It’s crazy, but when it comes to a situation like this you almost find comfort in the crazy. It is masochism in its simplest form.
However, this is the other gag: I’ve found something else in these messages that I didn’t expect to find anywhere anytime soon: strength. I’ve found the base that was missing from a voice that I just recently started using. I found the Aries in me that I’ve always felt I lacked even being born on April 3rd. I found it in me to not only let go of something but to let go of someone that has been around since I was 12 years old because it struck me that I could no longer let them suck so much of my joy away. I’ve given too much and have received nothing but empty promises, unanswered texts and a couple of broken hearts.
In this, I have found the road to ME in all of my glory. How poetic that the person that I felt I honestly couldn’t live without whether as a friend or as something more showed me that I wasn’t living at all? How poetic, indeed.
So this, this is an ode to the girl that loves her friends and her family so much that she tears up thinking about it. This is an ode to the girl that has made a thousand mistakes but knows she is going to make a thousand more before its all said and done. This is an ode to the girl that has put herself down so many times before but has started to pick herself up because she realizes that no one else is going to. This is an ode to the girl that now knows that SHE herself has to be her biggest fan. This is an ode to the girl who thought she was NEVER going to make it through her senior year of college but did and is now applying to grad schools. This is an ode to the girl that has replaced her fears and doubts with confidence and willpower. This is an ode to the black girl magic that I so proudly practice. This is an ode to the girl that loves HARD but is learning to love herself even harder.
This is an ode to me.